Bachie Recap – Season 5, Episode 3

Tonight’s episode opens with Bangie talking about taking Jackson on a single date and I’m confused because Osher didn’t announce the single date and I NEED OSHER. They’re walking along a beach and are then picked up on a helicopter by TOUCHDOWN HELICOPTERS, which just makes my dating life seem povo AF. Bangie talks about how she wants to create a romantic vibe but then also gets motion sickness in the TOUCHDOWN HELICOPTER….so, there’s that.


Back at the mansion, Jamie wonders if Bangie and Jackson are doing something romantic, and I mean, not to generalise, but dates usually are. Though, we did just hear Bangie chunder, so, fair question, I guess.

Later in the evening, Bangie and Jackson have a cute night time date with fairy lights that would have just been an absolute nightmare for the producers to set up. They talk about how Bangie nearly threw up and then she says something about “not polishing a turd” and I’m just really feeling that romantic vibe she was going for. Bangie admits Jackson’s age is a concern and he reveals he would like to be a young Dad and you can just see her frothing on it. She gives Jackson a stumpy rose and they smooch a little bit.

The next day, a bunch of the guys turn up to a dog obstacle course and OMG ARE WE FINALLY GOING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO JAMIE’S PUPPY?! Bangie notices that someone named Mitch wasn’t there and I’m glad she’s paying attention because I don’t even know what a Mitch is. Turns out, he hurt his ankle and Angie says she’ll need to have a chat for him about it at the next cocktail party and I just feel like Mitch should leave now, because we’ve seen what happens when Bangie chases someone for a conversation at a cocktail party #ByeByeJess

Osher announces the boys will be completing a dog training course and a guy with alotta dogs walks into the scene and it turns out he and Bangie know each other from sliding into each other’s DMs on Instagram after realising they share a mutual love for dogs, which isn’t niche at all. Osher announced Ryan will be getting thrown into the mix. Everyone is paired up and instructed to do a doggy obstacle course and suffice to say everyone failed miserably, except for Ciarran, who is deadset a dog whisperer. He wins the one-on-one time with Bangie.


They have some couch time together with some doggos, and I just feel like Ciarran will not get any attention with the doggos around because I know I’d damn well forgot Callum’s name if there were five doggos to pat. Ciarran reveals he used to dance at a gay bar and has had a nose job, so is really just your everyday lad. Bangie says he’s funny and confident and she enjoys it quite a bit, so gives him a stumpy rose.

At the cocktail party, the boys talk about their pact to allow Bangie to talk to who she wants to tonight because it’s 2019. Jamie says if someone wants time with her, they should be able to cut a chat short and mate, this will not end well for you – #BroCode

Bangie arrives and pulls new guy Ryan aside for a chat and Jamie is livid because how dare Angie talk to one of her many boyfriends. He wants to interrupt Bangie and Ryan and all the other guys have to talk him off the ledge. He still pulls Bangie aside for a talk and the lads be mad. When Bangie and Jamie finish up, Jamie gets a wee bit of a grilling from the lads and Jamie calls Haydn a ‘smug bastard’ and good lord, it just got super real super quick.

Mitch and Bangie talk about how Mitch didn’t go on the group date with the doggos, which he should damn well regret for the rest of his life. Mitch tells her he’s worried about how little time her gets with Bangie and I think skipping the group date was a really good remedy for that. Good thinking. He tells her he wants a rose and KweenBangie tells him he’s giving her an ultimatum and it ain’t gonna fly.

At the rose ceremony, Osher arrives in a perfectly co-ordinated suit and loud tie and tells the guys two of them will be leaving. Mitch (shocker) and a guy named Kayde (whoooooo??) are sent home sans stumpy rose.


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