lifestyle · Uncategorized

The Bachelorette Recap: Season 5, Episode 2

Tonight’s episode opens with Bachie-Angie (Bangie??) in a Mustang looking bougey AF which is a far cry from the piece of tin I Fred-Flinstone around Melbourne. She’s talking about how Carlin gives her the feels and there’s a recap of the song he sang for her and I don’t know why it was used as a point of endearment because it deadset sucked. But he’s lovely. Just don’t sing.

At the mansion, the lads are having a totally spontaneous conversation about the rose ceremony and Jess is talking up how he didn’t want a rose at the last ceremony because it was stressful, but I tell you what, nothing is more stressed than that combover on that forehead. Firefighter Jamie says he doesn’t think many of the other guys are suitable for Angie, which makes sense because they’ve known each other for five minutes.


Bangie arrives to pick Carlin up for their 24-hour-date and he seems excited, which is odd, because that sounds awful. Jamie says watching Bangie drive off with Carlin is the worst day of his life and aren’t we sheltered? Bangie and Carlin arrive at a nondescript field where two large tents are set up for them to snooze in after their cheese platter (I presume).

Back at the mansion, someone named Jackson walks in with a date card, which says he, Timm, Jess, Warwick, Jamie, Carlin, Matt, Scot and Jesse will be going on a group date with Bangie. Jamie says being called on a group date with Bangie is the best thing that’s ever happened to him and I am confused and sad for him.

On the single date, Carlin reveals to Bangie that he’s married and THIS IS NOT THE SHOW FOR YOU HONEY. He explains they’ve been separated for a year and a half and they’ve filed for divorce and I just don’t know why he opted for appearing on The Bachelorette post-break up rather than the standard Tinder subscription like the rest of us.

Later, Bangie says she’s happy Carlin opened up to her about still having a ring on it, and worries that the fact she hasn’t been in love before would be a point of concern and I feel like she’s overcorrecting for the fact that he clearly is constantly in love. They talk about their feelings a lot and I won’t lie, I tuned out because that just ain’t my jam. She gives him a stumpy rose #NotAEuphemism and they smooch for a bit. She talks about what a great kisser he is, and okay Bangie, save the play-by-plays for the grandkids.

The next morning, the group date boys join Carlin and Bangie. Osher arrives and reveals they’ll be doing a photoshoot today, with an animal them, and most of the lads will be dressed up as animals and need to take the piss, which is fitting because this is an effing joke. Matt and Timm are doing the water theme shoot, with Matt as the sea god and Timm as a lobster and call an ambulance because I am deddddddd


In the farmyard shoot, Jamie is dressed as the farmer, Bangie is the farmer’s wife, which Jamie is frothing about. There’s a cow, a pig, a horse, which is shared between two of the guys, and a chicken costume for Warwick, which is crap because he is behaving like an absolute goose. He cracks it and storms off set and I just don’t know how Bangie will be able to keeps her hands off such a keeper.

On the shoot, Jess is dressed as the backend of the horse and when the director suggests Bangie hops up onto the horse, Jess says she shouldn’t be surprised if there’s a few wandering fingers and it’s all feeling a little too predatory for my liking. In his piece to camera, he says he was thrilled because he’d be the first person Bangie would get to ride and NOPE. CHUCK HIM IN THE BIN. HE’S CANCELLED.

The other guys talk about how creepy and sleazy he is and he is legit a horse’s arse. During a steamy shoot with Jackson and Bangie, Jess says he would have just ‘laid one on her’ and that is just what every girl wants to hear.

At the cocktail party, Warwick comes out to tell the lads he’s leaving because he didn’t want to be dressed as a chicken that one time. He says he’s happy to have a joke, but not at his expense and he just sounds like the perfect guy to have an open conversation with when any relationship issues pop up. Bye Felicia!


Bangie and Carlin have a chat and Carlin spills the tea and tells Bangie all the gross things Mr Jess Noosa has said about her and how he makes women in the crew uncomfortable and Bangie is pisssssssssssssed. Mr Jess Noosa is talking about how he would have kissed Bangie on set and all the other guys are telling him how that’s just not the done thing and Jess says he’s kissed peen ty of girls who have turned their heads and I have no doubt because he’s gross AF.

Bangie is on a mission to hunt down Mr Jess Noosa and I AM SO HERE FOR THIS. YASSSSS QUEEN BANGIE. She tells him he took the photoshoot too far, that he says nasty things about her and makes the crew uncomfortable. She says she would never allow a man to come in and off with her sisterhood and somewhere, someone is erecting a statue of Bangie. She sends him on his way back to Noosa, where he says he will meet the love of his life at a dingy dirty nightclub and good riddance. See ya never!

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