lifestyle · Uncategorized

The Bachelorette Recap: Season 5, Episode 1

There’s an opening montage of Angie watching The Bachelorette from her time on Gogglebox judging people and her talking about her new journey to find love.  Angie’s Dad says he doesn’t want her to end up with someone from NSW because they can’t play State of Origin…except that they’ve won for the last two years, sooooooooo….? Angie admits she needs to listen to her heart (Roxette style) this time around, rather than listening to …other parts. She says having 20 boyfriends will be overwhelming, but, ya know, a gal’s gotta eat #YouGoGlenCoco

Angie resumes Bachie position and waits for her harem of boyfriends to arrive. Timm is our first contender and he comes bearing sunflowers and Angie is gushing over them even though I’m pretty sure sunflowers are lowkey weeds. Timm tells the cameras he definitely feels a connection and hey, new drinking game – shot everytime someone says ‘connection’.

Our next lad is Carlin and Angie is a wee bit taken by him. Carlin says he has something for her later, and obviously picked up that little tidbit for The Bachelor when Sogand spoke Persian to Bachie and told him to get the translation from her later. Genius.

The next contender for our Angie is Jamie, a firefighter who BROUGHT A PUPPY OMG. I legit am not paying any attention to anything else he says because puppy. What an absolute winner. He tells the cameras he never believed in love at first sight until now and good lord, the firefighter with the puppy is this season’s Emma.

Kayde rocks up in a lifesaver’s outfit which is confusing because it’s definitely Winter. Angie guesses he’s a lifesaver because of the outfit and he legit looks at her like she just killed his family. Seriously, Angie, how effing presumptuous of you. It turns out, old mate reckons he looks like Zac Efron and has dressed up like Zac Efron from Baywatch. Far bow to draw, my friend. Here are some more iconic Zac Efron lewks he could – and should – have chosen:

troy

Next up is Matt, who is a BMX rider with Nitro Circus. He seems cute and nice and a wee bit bland. But cute.

…..but bland.

Next is a quick succession of guys who will be in and out of that mansion like a revolving door. Seriously. Don’t sit down fellas. One of them legit kicks off a slab of beer and calls her gal pal. He got lost on his way to Toolies.

Ciarran is next, and he says he looks good, and I mean….if you say so? He says he feels like a sexual Willy Wonka in his red velvet suit and he’s officially ruined my childhood. Thanks mate.

ciarran

There’s another quick succession of nondescript boys which just bodes well for the whole season really.

Next up is Jess donning a cape and carrying a throne and it’s a little bit a lot. He says he’s a councillor from Noosa and gives her the key to the town, which is weird because I thought keys to cities were reserved for D-grade Australian celebrities like Kate Cebrano and Warwick Capper. He then gives her a key to his apartment and WTF?! He then has to carry his obnoxious throne through the garden and into the house and it’s pretty damn clear he did not think this ploy through.

There’s romantic music that they tend to play when it’s wifey/husband material…and it’s her brother. Weird. Brad is entering the mansion disguised as Mark so he can hear all the things the other guys have to say about Angie and it’s absolutely fkn genius. Good, Channel 10, good. With that, all of our eligible bachies are now in the mansion and ready to bro out. Except for MarkBrad, who has to pretend to fancy his sister, which feels a bit Shakespearean.

Osher enters the house and the lads are exited to see him as the girls normally are and fair because #OshersHair, He announces that there will be a 24 hour rose and the recipient will have a 24 hour date with Angie. This frightens me because 24 hours with another human being sounds deadest awful.

Angie enters the mansion for the cocktail party and Jamie says everyone should treat each other with respect and dignity right before he interrupts her conversation with Matt. There’s lots of talk of ‘cutting the boys’ grass’ and I don’t know why they’re so worried because production would surely have Jim’s Mowing on the case.

Carlin pulls Angie aside for a chat and plays her a song on a guitar he prepared earlier. Angie tells cameras she would normally cringe at stuff like this, but she’s loving this and I call bulltish because it’s awkward AF and also not a banger, sooooooo…

Kayde/Zac Efron/Troy Bolton then jumps a fence and upstage Carlin on the guitar and is actually worse.

amazing

He says he wants another five minutes with Angie and Carlin points out he’s already spoken with her to which Kayde says he’s just really horny…. swoon #amirite

The lads are talking about the 24 hour rose and Mr Jess Noosa says he wouldn’t want it and I’m not sure he gets the idea of the show.

MarkBrad and Angie have a chat about what everyone has been saying while all the lads talk about what a dark horse he is which is pretty funny and gross. MarkBrad spills the tea on Mr Jess Noosa saying he wouldn’t accept the 24 hour rose and Angie is fuming. Angie pulls Mr Jess Noosa and his cape aside and questions him on it and he denies it and calls her darling and no. Stahhhp.

Mr Jess Noosa believes firefighter Jamie told Angie about not wanting the fancy rose and is absolutely appalled at the idea of a politician being dogged and I’m not sure he understands politics. Like, at all. Jamie denies telling Angie and cries a lot and that’s all very well but WHERE IS THE PUPPY YOU BROUGHT WITH YOU JAMIE?!

Angie and Timm have a talk and they’re a wee bit lovely and Angie is definitely getting the feelz, especially when he describes love as ‘mad’ and ‘sick’.

Osher arrives again and tells the guys that MarkBrad is actually just Brad and is Angie’s brother and the guys are shittttttting themselves about what they may or may not have said in front of Brad when they thought he was MarkBrad. This is waaaaaay relatable because I definitely have that fear the morning after a big night on the red wines so I feel their pain. After some tea spilling from Brad, Angie gives Carlin the 24 hour rose.

At the rose ceremony, Angie leaves Mr Jess Noosa hanging and gives him the last rose. He waits a good 20 years to accept the rose, and then brags about making her wait for his answer to the other boys and can he just fkn leave now?

Two men whose names I don’t know/care about left. The puppy is still nowhere to be seen and I feel stitched up.

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