lifestyle · Uncategorized

Bachie Recap – Season 7 Episode 14

Tonight’s episode opens with shirtless Bachie talking about how excited he is for hometown week which is a total lie, because no one in the history of the world has ever been excited to meet the in-laws. Ever.

First up is Abbie’s hometown in Brisbane. Bachie says he’s stoked to be in Brisbane and we’ve hit two solid lies in as many minutes. There’s an uncomfortable montage of them making out and Bachie pondering the possibility that things other people have said about her could be true and I just really don’t feel like Ellie needed to leave before he had this epiphany. Abbie says they’re going to a rooftop bar for drinks and STOP TRYING TO BE MELBOURNE, BRISBANE. GAWD. Turns out the rooftop bar has an infinity pool, which feels dangerous, but go on. Bachie says in his piece to camera that he wants to make sure there’s something more substantial in his relationship with Abbie and instead they just make out a whole bunch. They’re then whisked away for a poolside massage where they make out again, but this time in front of the masseuses and it’s just a level of discomfort I’ve not reached before.

awks

Abbie tells Bachie he is meeting her friend, her sister, her Mum, and her uncle that afternoon. They arrive and Abbie’s family is a bit lovely and it’s all a bit cute. Abbie’s Mum asks Bachie if it’s been hard having so many girlfriends, which I can appreciate because it’s alotta names to learn. Abbie’s Mum confirms Abbie wants to establish a career (because it is 2019), but for the right person, would happily get married and have a family. Bachie is relieved because he feels it’s put his mind at ease, but then Uncle Rob pulls him aside and asks him why Abbie likes him and I hope he brought his science glasses for these hard hitting questions. I’m quietly bummed Bachie doesn’t mention their crazy sexual chemistry to Uncle Rob because he would be the only person in the world who hasn’t heard about it.

The next home town visit is with Chelsie and Bachie is wrapped because he, too, is from Melbourne, which is confusing because he’s not dressed head to toe in black #NotANative

notanative

They go for a couple of drinky-poos at a conveniently empty bar and Chelsie says Bachie will be meeting both her parents and her older sister, who will straight up chuck him on the grill. Chelsie’s family lives in a bougey AF house and I wonder if they need another fully grown daughter? Chelsie’s sister definitely came to play and puts the hard word on Chelsie about falling for charm and then getting hurt. She then quizzes Bachie on his feelings for Chelsie and she could definitely work in some sorta mob setup because she scary AF. Bachie sticks the landing and answers scary sister’s questions well. Chelsie and Bachie have a chat outside the fancy house and Chelsie kind of admits she’s falling for him and then runs away #relatable

Emma’s hometown of Shitney Sydney is next. Bachie says he can’t wait to see Emma and likes that he always knows where he stands with her which is odd because she’s so aloof. Emma tells Bachie he’s meeting some of her friends and her two dogs and I immediately like her so much more now I know she has doggos. They meet with Emma’s friends, Jen and Daniel, and Emma tells Jen she’s fallen in love with Bachie and Jen’s face is deadset all of Australia:

allofaustralia

Jen and Bachie have a chat and Jen tells/warns Bachie that Emma is in love with him and Bachie says he can’t tell Jen whether he’s in love with Emma or not, which seems reasonable considering they’ve only had two dates.

The last hometown visit is Helena’s digs in Perth and Helena laments about how hard it is to have never had her heart broken. They meet up on a tennis court which feels odd because they’re both apparently terrible. Like, why would you not have a date involving things you’re good at, like Mariokart and blackout drinking? Helena says Bachie will be meeting her sister and her parents. She warns him that her sister is super protective of her and then likens her Dad to the Russian mafia and I am so here for this. They weirdly don’t play any tennis at all and jump straight into dinner with the fambam. Helena’s Dad and Bachie are left alone and Bachie is shittttttttttting himself. Bachie attempts to man-bond with him about football and fails spectacularly.

unimpressed bachie dad

At dinner, everything is pretty hunky dory until Bachie says Helena didn’t speak any French at their red carpet meeting and Helena is offended because she did, in fact, speak French at their red carpet meeting because THAT’S WHAT ONE DOES AT A RED CARPET MEETING. Helena has a chat with her sister and Mum and is deadset freaking out that he didn’t remember her speaking French and admits that she will find one tiny flaw in a person and blow it out of proportion and I think we’ve all been there:

pie

Helena tells Bachie she’s disappointed he didn’t remember how they met on the red carpet. Bachie apologises, but points out he’s meeting her family because of how much she means to him and goooood save Bachie. Helena is freaking out and says she feels like Bachie isn’t all in it and sends him on his way without a rose. Bachie says he’s not ready to say goodbye to Helena yet and pulls her aside for a chat. He tells her he doesn’t want this to be the end of their story. Helena takes back her weird exit, but then in her piece to camera says she’s done and I’m really confused! She tells Bachie again that she’s leaving the competition, but then is convinced to stay and I just feel like if you’ve gotta work this hard, it ain’t working, ya know?

Back at Bachie mansion HQ, the girls have returned and are gathered for a rose ceremony, where Bachie and his rambunctious suit are about to distribute roses and Helena pulls him aside dramatically to apologise for to-ing and fro-ing with his man-feelz. Bachie and Helena resume their production mandated positions and he sends Emma re-packing and on her way home.

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