Tonight’s episode opens with Sogand and Helena unpacking for what is surely the millionth time the Monique issue and how she was asked to leave by Bachie after Abbie told him Monique called him a chow chow. Sogand makes the outrageous claim that Abbie probably did it on purpose and boy George, I think she’s got it.
Osher arrives at the Bachie mansion and leaves a date card which reveals Emma is going on a single date. Emma is convinced she and Bachie are getting married on their single date and I fear for Bachie’s safety. Abbie says she’s unsure about her relationship with Matt and feels she needs more time with him and I’m pretty sure Bachie kicked Monique out on Abbie’s word, but okay.
Bachie and his loud shirt meet Emma at a castle and at this stage, Bachie is on his own. He’s been warned plenty and is really just tempting fate. Emma whips out the blindfold she was given with the single date and makes the 100th 50 Shades of Grey joke for the episode so far and you can just tell she lives for those books. Bachie explains they’ll be dong some sensory deprivation and I wonder if it’s kinda like how I turn my radio down in my car when I’m trying to find a car spot. It turns out it is nothing like that and they will be eating food without seeing what it is.
Back at Bachie mansion, the girls are having a really empowering chat about how they hope Emma is having an awful time. Mary points out that Emma has only had one conversation with Bachie and couldn’t possibly know what he wants and I kind of just want someone to remind Mary that saaaaaaaame.
On the date, Emma is feeding blindfolded Bachie chocolate cake and he wonders if it’s wedding cake which simply titillates Emma AND DAMMIT BACHIE, YOU’RE TEEING YOURSELF UP FOR THIS AND I CANNOT SUPPORT YOUR CHOICES ANYMORE. After their sensory deprivation feeding date, Bachie and Emma have couch time and Bachie says he wants to know what Emma is really looking for. Emma goes on about how she just wants him and he’s all she’s ever wanted and I mean, I’ve had lunches longer than their relationship, but sure. Bachie admits he feels a strong connection with Emma and gives her a plank of wood with her voice pitch on it and it’s weird but cute but weird….but cute? He also gives her a rose and a smooch.
The following day, the Bachettes are brought out on a group date with Bachie, where Osher introduces another game that is definitely not a thing. He explains the girls will be rating themselves and each other on qualities they feel they possess. Bachie explains that he wants a girl who is selfless and then all of a sudden the house is made up of Mother Teresas, but eventually settle on a definitive order. Osher reveals the five most selfless girls in the mansion would be eliminated from the game. Snap, Ginsburg. Snap. They all automatically get roses and all the selfish girls are pissssssssed.
Osher explains the rest of the game will have the remaining eight girls still ranking themselves on qualities they possess, and the eliminated girls would kick one of the bottom two out of the game. The first quality Bachie is looking for is ‘fun’ and weirdly, now all the Mother Teresas are Paris Hiltons. Abbie cracks it that she’s down the end and demands someone named Cassandra swaps with her, because dummy spits are the life of the party guyz.
The final showdown has Mary, Brianna and Abbie fighting it out for who is most honest, to which Abbie keeps saying she literally cannot lie, which can only mean that Jiminy Cricket has paid her a visit too. There’s alllloooooootttttt of side eye happening amongst the other girls and I just wonder how Monique would feel in this moment. Mary is kicked out of the game, and Osher says Brianna and Abbie need to write down what they want in a partner and read it to Bachie to determine who will get the rose.
Abbie tells Bachie she’s after honesty and passion and pretty much just spits out the qualities from the game earlier. Brianna tells Bachie she wants fun and then creates and cushion barrier between her and Bachie and unless she was trying to make a fort, that doesn’t seem very fun at all. Nikki points out that Abbie’s more full of shit than a house full of lactose intolerants and I am deddddd #NikkiForPM
The rest of the gang are hanging around the mansion in their fancy get-ups eating MAGNUM ICE CREAM.
Osher arrives and announces there will be a rose ceremony, and the seven girls sans rose will be up for elimination. He explains it will be a live rose ceremony, so Bachie will give out roses post chit chat with each of the girls. Sogand and Abbie have a couch throwdown where Sogand calls Abbie out on lying, which is ridiculous because Abbie was rated as most honest in the mansion by herself, and if that’s not a definitive ranking, then I just don’t know what is. Sogan points out Abbie has said she doesn’t want to get married, which Abbie denies and I call bullshit because I legit heard it on last week’s episode when Abbie was wearing a wedding dress #lawyered
Nikki admits to the girls that she’s quite insecure in her relationship with Bachie and is nervous about potentially not getting a rose tonight. Mary advises that she calms down and when talking to Bachie, she just lets it flow to which Nikki legit says “like a good wee” and I and deddd again. Let’s crown her Queen of Earth already.
After a whelming chat with Brianna, Bachie sends her home and gives Nikki a rose and her reaction is priceless and just a wee bit adorable.
The girls notice Brianna hasn’t returned, which is nice because I didn’t know she was there.