lifestyle · Uncategorized

Bachie Recap – Season 7 Episode 5

Tonight’s episode opens with the girls debriefing about Abbie kissing their communal boyfriend at the cocktail party which is apparently a hard no in girl code. Osher appears and tells the girls Bachie wants to take them away from their hard lives in the big mansion to another big mansion. The girls are excited because they definitely need a break from their plane rides and photo shoots.

The girls drive to their unknown relaxation destination in their HYUNDAIS. There is further debriefing about Abbie stealing their boyfriend in a competition designed for one girl to win. Monique says she’s disappointed in Matt for not pulling aside two women in the mansion for a chat, and I mean, he has sooooo many girlfriends. Give the guy a break.


The girls arrive at their beach mansion in their HYUNDAIS and are met by Osher. Nichole with an H says she’s excited for some R and R and I’m just not sure she gets that the cameras are still rolling and they will still be wearing sequin gowns this week. Osher gives the girls a date card, which reveals Abbie will be going on a single date and Monique is deadset shitty. She says again that she’s disappointed and I just haven’t heard that word dropped in such quick succession since my school reports.

Abbie meets Bachie and she’s glad because it’s starting to get a little ‘cabin fever-is’ in the house and YOU LITERALLY HAVE MOVED FROM ONE MANSION TO ANOTHER. They arrive at their date where Bachie reveals they’ll be making their own juice #HopefullyNotAEuphamism They squash fruit in a bucket with their feet and then Bachie makes Abbie try their feet juice and gross Bachie. Just gross. She goes in for the kill like an absolute trooper and Bachie reveals she doesn’t actually need to drink their foot juice and I don’t understand what kind of kick (see what I did there) old mate is getting from this, but I am disturbed and thirsty.

Foot juice

Back at beach mansion, the girls are talking about how nice it is to be away from their fancy house in affluent Sydney. Monique tells the girls how disrespectful Matt has been by kissing another girl at the cocktail party and girlfriend needs a strong word about the premise of the show because she straight up doesn’t get it.

Back on the single date, Bachie and Abbie arrive at a cozy couch with lots of candles and some wine and just once, I want to see a box of fruity lexia tapped and ready to go. They get into a cozy spa and Abbie tells Bachie she’s torn about some gossip she needs to tell him (while absolutely frothing on it), and reveals after the last rose ceremony, Monique called Bachie a ‘dog c-word and a disrespectful pig’ and that’s alotta animals for one man to encompass, but yep. Abbie reaffirms how difficult it was for her to tell Bachie while sporting a smile that would rival the Chesshire Cat.

There’s a montage of topless Bachie sipping coffee, lamenting love and pondering what Monique said about him. He says that him dating other women is a part of the show and wonders why she joined the cast if she wasn’t comfortable with that idea AND I’VE LITERALLY BEEN SAYING THIS FOREVER BACHIE.

lamenting bachie

Bachie takes a handful of his girlfriends on a group date, where he wants it to feel like a bit of a truth session and he definitely thought ahead because there’s wine. Bachie fishes for answers about Monique’s barnyard name-calling but the girls are standing strong and I’m not saying there wasn’t enough wine for them to unleash, but fruity lexia defs woulda done the job.

Chelsi and Bachie have some one-on-one time and talk a lot about physics and chemistry and I don’t buy it due to the severe lack of their science glasses. Bachie is smitten and they’re a bit adorable.

Helena is summoned on a single date with Bachie where they do some IVF magic to create a baby pearl and this feels a bit soon, but sure. They follow up their baby making with a picnic and Bachie gives her some pearls and a rose. Bachie is shitting himself about kissing other girls and the two share a should-we-shouldn’t-we moment but there was no cheese to talk about instead so they just left.

At the cocktail party, Abbie says shit is going to hit the fan because she told Bachie that Monique called him a dog-c-word and I, too, am appalled at Bachie being called a cavoodle, but this is where we find ourselves. Bachie pulls Abbie aside to reconfirm that Monique called him a chihuahua.

Bachie confronts Monique about her calling him a cane corso, and Monique says she never said it, in a move that shocks no one. Bachie brings Abbie into the ring and the other girls are absolutely living for this drama and so am I.

Drama face

Abbie and Monique throw down about Monique calling or not calling Bachie a cardigan welsh corgi. Bachie copes by drinking and same here. He then grabs Rachael, who was apparently also there when Monique did or didn’t called Bachie a cocker spaniel. Rachael confirms Abbie’s story, but says it was done in jest. Nichole with and H, Ellie and Emma confirm that Monique did call Bachie a chow chow.

Bachie and his loud shirt are understandably frustrated by some of the inconsistencies and tells the girls tonight has been a waste of time.

At the rose ceremony, Bachie decided to keep Monique after stern instructions from the producers and a swift change of heart, but mostly the stern producers.

Someone named Julia is sent home.


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