lifestyle · Uncategorized

Bachie Recap – Season 7 Episode 2

Well, I hope you’ve all settled from the excitement of the premiere of Bachie. I, for one, could not feel more for non-descript blondes 1 and 2 for their early departure, but alas, we must move forward.

The girls are lounging around casually in full hair and make-up, anticipating a single date card. Osher arrives with said date card and the girls looked weirdly surprised considering they were just talking about it.

Hannah offers to give the girls a dramatic reading of the date card and suffice to say it’s less Hamlet, more shopping list. The clue alludes to the single date recipient speaking another language and we’re reminded again that Kristen can speak Chinese. Hannah reveals Sogand will be going on a single date with Bachie and Kristen looks confused because Sogand definitely cannot speak Chinese. Mary tells the cameras she doesn’t like sharing guys and I’m just really unsure if she’s ever watched this show before or understands why there are 20 more girls in the mansion with her.

Sogand arrives at the single date where Bachie is waiting in front of an ADRENALINE helicopter. They hopped aboard the ADRENALINE helicopter and set off on their ADRENALINE helicopter date.




Back at the mansion, the girls are speculating whether Sogand and Bachie are having a good time on their date all the while hoping they’re having a perfectly horrible time and thank god for the sisterhood, amirite? Abbie tells the cameras that things are getting super competitive at this stage and everyone’s getting on each other’s nerves. YOU’VE BEEN THERE 12 HOURS, GEMINI!!

Back on the single date, Sogand is gushing over the date Bachie planned for her, and somewhere out there, a producer is proud of the date they, in fact, planned. Bachie reveals two schmick AF outfits hanging from a tree and Sogand wonders how one can just stumble across clothes in the forrest…sweetie, this is definitely not a thing. Sustainable fashion has not yet reached the point of self-producing tuxedos.

Sogand returns to the mansion post-date with a rose and pash rash and Emma is legit pisssssssssed that Sogand and Bachie smooched and I just don’t know why these girls were not briefed that their boyfriend was going to have two dozen other girlfriends.

The next day, eight new Bachelorettes arrive at Bachie mansion and the news is not received well by the ‘old’ girls, who haven’t even gone through a change of clothes since arriving, but sure. Lots of pieces to camera from the old and expired girls about how the new and fresh girls are going down – Mary goes on to say she’s rolling up her sleeves for a battle and YOU’RE WEARING A SINGLET MARY. WHAT SLEEVES?!


The old and decrepit girls find unity in watching each of the new girls come in with the same level of absolute hatred they did for one another last night. Emma says she’s exhausted at the idea of Bachie spending time with eight other women and I’m not sure she’s done the maths right because there’s at least three times more in there.

zoolander bachie

Danush arrives and announces that she’s Persian and feeds Bachie fairy floss (sidetone, will be feeling cultured AF at the next theme park I go to). Sogand gets wind of this and freaks the eff out because she is also Persian. She promptly downs her champers and orders another and I have never seen or related to such a healthy coping mechanism #SogandforPM

Osher appears in a cobalt blue suit and it is……a lot. He announces that there will be a rose ceremony after the cocktail party and some of the Bachelorettes will be leaving the mansion. Emma freaks out and says she’s bracing for a shock and I’m pretty sure that’s an oxymoron, but go for it Emma.

cobalt osher

At the cocktail party, Emma talks about how she hasn’t had any time with Bachie (outside of her dreams) and how she doesn’t want to sound like a bitch (before saying bitchy things) and Abbie goes on to say she also hasn’t had time with Bachie tonight but she trusts him and his feelings and oh god she’s like a real adult!

At the rose ceremony, Osher and his cobalt suit announce six girls will be going home and you can actually see Abbie regret not spending time with Bachie. Bachie comes in and distributes the roses. Now, I know he’s an astrophysicist but I am more impressed by him remembering the names of his many many girlfriends.

abbie unimpressed

Tash, Sam, Hannah, Tara, Danush and Georgie are sent home following a combined screen time of 10 seconds. But the burning question is WHERE THE EFF IS VAKOO?! Well, some serious Instagram digging (read – not very serious digging at all) informs me she had conjunctivitis (presumably from smizing so damn hard) and was not in the rose ceremony, but is still in the running for Bachie’s heart.

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