All around Australia, boxes of wine were cracked open in anticipation of the season opening.
In Bachie’s opening montage, he talked about him being a ‘man of science’ while he put on his science glasses – and thank god he did because I was starting to see right through it until then.
There were lots of pensive Bachie shots near large bodies of water while he spoke about not wanting to be alone and hoping the stars align (YEAH HE DID!) so he can meet the right woman.
Our first eligible bachelorette was Helena, a health and wellness coach. A strong contender for a very vanilla life.
Next was Chelsie, 28, a chemical engineer. She gave Bachie a fake tattoo of a molecule and OMG I JUST SO BADLY WANTED IT TO BE A TRAMP STAMP. She said she was a chemical engineer and I’m sorry, I just didn’t believe her because where were her science glasses?
Preview favourite Abbie, was next. Bachie told her he’s an astrophysicist and Abbie responded by saying she’s a Gemini. Now, I won’t lie – I don’t know care what an astrophysicist is, but I know it has nothing to do with mercury retrograde.
Kristen, 24, is a China researcher who says her friends sometimes call her ‘The China Girl’ and this feels inappropriate and it’s probably time to get some less racist friends, Kristen. She is absolutely a crazy person and I cannot wait to watch it unfold.
A series of nondescript women were introduced in quick succession and I don’t want to say they won’t last but I’m sure as hell not learning their names.
Hannah had placards of Matty J and Laura and it’s a bit cute and psycho but cute.
Nichole with an H is a cafe manager from the Gold Coast…and it showed. She spoke about how guys were always chasing her and she wasn’t going to fight for Bachie and I’m not sure she’s been briefed on the nature of the show….?
Vakoo, 23 model, asked Bachie to do a catwalk for her and told him he needs to smize and it’s pretty clear I am not the only Tyra Banks fan out there.
Next was Emma, who I can already tell is going to be a good time. Emma, 32, fashion designer, has been dreaming of her wedding since she was a little girl and thinks about it every day. She will absolutely make a doll out of his hair.
Another series of nondescript girls were introduced. More boxes of wine were opened around the nation.
Elly, registered nurse, whisked Bachie away for a country style campfire in the middle of affluent metropolitan Sydney.
Villain music!!! Rachael, 23, personal trainer, struted in wearing a Stephanie Seymour style wedding dress. Her friend awkwardly lingered and confirmed everything WE WERE ALL THINKING. She is batshit crazy and so help me god, she needs to last the whole season for the lolz.
Osher explained the rules for the girls who didn’t know what the show was about and were just looking to boost their Instagram followings.
Bachie told the girls he’s nervous and excited and overwhelmed and GOOD ADJECTIVES, MATT, YOU DON’T SOUND SCRIPTED AT ALL.
Osher introduced the golden ticket (#notaeuphemism) and said it’s a ticket to Matt’s home town in Melbourne. All of the girls spoke about how badly they want the golden ticket and I wonder if Charlie and Grandpa Joe are in on this too?
Bachie pulled Emma away for the first chat and the girls are reeeeeeeling. Rachael spoke about how unthreatened she was by the desperado. While still wearing the wedding dress she introduced herself in.
Emma is definitely the Cass of this season and I am fearful for Bachie’s safety.
Sogand did this thing where she waited patiently like a normal person and didn’t interrupt anyone and it would have been so endearing if she hadn’t asked Bachie to marry her as soon as she met him.
Vakoo described Bachie as a triple layer cake and says she wants to taste him. I’m confused and hungry.
Elly and Bachie had a good chat and they’re just so wholesome. Give her a rose and open up a b&b together already. Bachie gifted Elly the golden ticket and a rose and they’re just a bit adorable.
At the rose ceremony, Rachael was given the last rose and you just know it’s because the producers wanted to keep the drama and I AM ALL ABOUT IT.
Keely and Sophie were sent home and it’s okay because I didn’t know they were there.